Some people measure their careers in promotions. I measure mine in passive-aggressive auto-replies and snarky restore requests.

Over two decades of tech support, I’ve accumulated enough sarcastic energy in my Sent folder to power a Dell blade chassis. Here's a curated selection of the best — or worst, depending on your inbox tolerance.

1. Subject: FSRM alert (AGAIN)

“As I mentioned in my previous three emails (and in the documentation you didn't read), this is expected behavior... but let’s all act surprised again.”

When the server pings and the déjà vu hits harder than a Friday firmware patch.

2. Subject: Out of Office: Backups and Banjos

“I’m currently off-grid and off-call. If this is about an emergency restore, I suggest time travel. Otherwise, I’ll respond when civilization resumes.”

Somewhere in the woods, a SAN admin is trying not to think about dedupe ratios.

3. Subject: Dell TechDirect Quote

“Yes, we did this exact config last fiscal year. No, it didn’t come with a unicorn then either.”

Magical thinking meets procurement reality.

4. Subject: FW: Account Lockout Policy

“Our policy remains the same: try 3 times, get locked out, email angrily, wait 20 minutes, then reset your password to ‘Winter2021!’ again.”

It’s not policy. It’s prophecy.

5. Subject: RE: New VLAN Request

“It’s been created. It’s called ‘The Forgotten.’ Try not to forget it this time.”

Sysadmins never forget. But we do name VLANs out of spite.

6. Subject: Out of Office: Unavailable Until Further Clarity Returns

“If you’re reading this, I’m not. If it’s urgent, forward it to someone who makes bad decisions in my absence.”

Delegation is a form of revenge.

7. Subject: Monthly Backup Report (Sunstreaker Edition)

“Success rate remains strong unless measured by optimism or VPN uptime.”

Backups always succeed… in the abstract.

8. Subject: Re: Documentation Request

“Sure, I’ll write that doc right after I finish time-traveling to undo your config changes.”

This is why we can’t have nice topology.

9. Subject: RE: Meeting Reschedule Request

“Rescheduling for the fifth time. At this point, the meeting should be about rescheduling meetings.”

Calendar inception is real, and it is exhausting.

10. Subject: Out of Office: July 4th Week

“I’ve declared independence from email. Expect delays. Possibly fireworks.”

Proof you can celebrate America and still auto-reply with flair.

If I’ve learned anything from decades in IT, it’s that tone matters — and nothing says “I care deeply” like a perfectly executed sarcastic one-liner that lands just below the HR radar.